Vanessa from Butterly Noire shares her struggles to find a financially fit man in this insightful series. Check out Part 1 below and join in on the discussion!

Sidenote: If you have a financial struggle that you have overcome, email me at kara@thefrugalfeminista.com and I will share it with our Frugal Feminista family .-K 

So let me just say first off, I was blind and could not see.  I have had two important relationships and they both have affected my financial circumstances.

I also have to take responsibility within these situations as I have helped create them.  I am a free and open-hearted person who loves to love and when I am in a committed relationship, I do all I can to make our lives comfortable.  I am willing to put my ends with your ends so that we can make it happen.

Unfortunately, this was a one sided deal for the men I have dated.  The first man I would like to discuss, ok… let’s call him Andrew!

When I met Andrew, he was exciting and fun.  We went out on dates, family outings, long weekend trips, and vacations.  After the whirlwind romance died down, I started to notice how he handled money.  He was an emotional spender.  I recognized this because I was one too.  I, too, would get bad news and head for the mall.  He held a supervisor position at his job.  I felt that he and I, with our income together, could live the American dream—home, cars, and 2.5 kids.

Sadly, this was the not the case.  After he noticed that I was a team player, he decided that he would quit his job to look for better employment.  This left me carrying all the bills.  After he spent all his savings, looking for a new job and buying new clothes for the interviews, he decided that he was not going to help with the bills and he couldn’t.

Let’s be clear, he did help around the house, but I needed support financially.  He got used to me doing all the heavy lifting and was comfortable with me taking care of things.  Needless to say, after several years of this, the relationship ended.

I reflect on this relationship and I realize that I was an enabler for him.  I did not allow him to step up because I did it for him.  And I lost respect for him because of it.

I did not have that conversation about who was going to pay for what, which bills he was to pay, and my expectations for the finances for our lifestyle.  I learned a lot from Andrew.

The number one lesson: When in a relationship, you have to be brave enough to put everything on the table about your finances.

Frugal Feministas: Watch out for Part II of “Is a Financially Fit Man Hard to Find? Let’s Discuss” when Vanessa shares the money and love lessons from her next relationship.

In the meantime, what do you think about Vanessa’s situation? Did you learn anything? Did you see yourself in her story? What advice would you give her?

Vanessa Gary is the founder of Butterly Noire, a boutique etiquette coaching firm.